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Abusive men are not as strong as they appear; they are actually much weaker than the victim they abuse. Some abusive men get involved in an abusive behaviour because they have lost the control over their own lives.
Because life has been treating them badly (maybe because they failed to plan well for it) they start to seek the lost control by looking somewhere else. In this case, the abusive man controllers his partner to regain part of the control that he lost over his life.
Life treated him badly so he decided to control someone else in order to feel powerful. (see the article inferiority, success & compensation for more information)
Sometimes men become abusive because of a deep stored anger. Men who failed to achieve their life goals or those who failed to make their dreams come true may have developed some suppressed anger. In this case, this suppressed anger is the root cause for their abusive behaviour.
While healthy men direct this anger back to their unmet goals in order to achieve them unhealthy men direct the anger towards a victim through emotional abuse. Because they failed to get what they wanted out of life they started directing their anger towards an innocent victim. (see To know my enemy for more information on directing the anger towards the wrong person)
Some abusive men have no self confidence, and as a result, they seek a way to make them feel worthy and needed. Abusing their partners by damaging their partner’s self esteem can guarantee that their partners won’t leave them for someone else. After all, if an abusive man succeeded in convincing his spouse that she is worthless she will think that no one else would love her and so she will become trapped in the abusive relationship.(see signs of abusive relationships for more information)
It’s the abusive man who is in need of help!! Although he may appear powerful and strong, still he feels that he is worthless. If you are a victim of abuse, the first thing you should do in order to heal yourself is to know that the person who abused you is the one who is in need of treatment. He is not a man enough to project his anger towards life and so he projects it towards you.
Not only will an emotionally abusive relationship make your life miserable but it will also damage your self confidence. I don’t have any advice for people who suffer from emotional abuse except leaving the abusive relationship. A relationship that makes you feel bad, down and worthless is not a healthy relationship but it’s a fast method for destroying what’s left of your self confidence.
Leaving an abusive relationship may appear to be hard especially if your abuser succeeded in convincing you that no one else would want you. He damaged your self confidence through continues criticism just to keep you tapped and so the first thing you should do is, rebuilding your self confidence. Rebuilding your self confidence is the first step towards leaving an abusive relationship.
Secondly, you should focus on restoring your social life. Most abusers isolate their victims and prevent them from seeing theirs friends. This may happen because of jealousy towards them or even sadism!! Sometimes the abuser enjoys watching you suffer while having no one else to return to. Restoring your relationships would allow you to get rid of your suppressed emotions and so you will be able to take better decisions and feel much better.
The third thing is financial independence; the abuser will sometimes control the finances in order to prevent you from escaping. Being financially independent by having a job is the most powerful thing you can do to leave an abusive relationship. Even if you decided not to leave, having a job could be the thing you use to threaten your abuser. “I am financially independent, if you continued doing so, I will leave you”.
Don’t think that he is emotionless, if he wasn’t terrified of the idea of you leaving him he wouldn’t have prevented you from seeing your friends.
Step four is confronting the abuser, of course this should happen after you decide to leave, tell him that he is weak, tell him that he failed to control his life and that’s why he is trying to control you. Tell him that he has no self confidence and that he is in need of treatment. He will laugh when you tell him so and act as if it didn’t affect him, but in reality, you reminded him of his deep wound. Hopefully, this will be enough to make him reconsider the way he treats you, but still, you should leave him.
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Want to know more?
Yes, How to rebuild My self Confidence?
Why are some people Overly Critical and Sarcastic?
What are the signs of abusive relationships?
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