How to increase my self esteem

By M.Farouk Radwan, MSc.

How to increase my self esteem

Each month, I get lots of mails from people who ask me about methods for increasing self esteem and as a response to them; I decided to write this article.

If I was asked to define self esteem or self confidence in few words I would say that it’s the lack of obsessions about one’s own flaws when interacting with people.

Of course there are thousands of valid definitions for self esteem but one of the key factors in feeling good about one's self is learning how to stop looking at your own flaws and week points on constant basis when interacting with people.

Self esteem vs. being obsessed

A person doesn’t have to think of himself positively in order to be confident but what’s more important is that he doesn't think of himself negatively!

If you were with a group of very close friends and had no positive or negative thoughts in your mind at all you will be confident around them but If a stranger joined you at this gathering and then you started thinking about possible evaluation attempts by him you will feel less confident!!

Self confidence is all about not being obsessed with your weaknesses when you are around people.

Our self esteem differs according to the people we interact with

Our self esteem is never the same around everyone but it changes according to the people we are interacting with, you might find yourself very confident in dealing with a certain group of people while on the other hand you might find yourself obsessed when dealing with a different group.

People who lack self confidence usually regards certain groups of people as Gods who have no flaws and that's why they lack confidence around them, here are few examples:

  • Fear of beautiful people: Some people have developed the fear of beautiful people to the extent that they lose all of their self esteem and become obsessed as soon as they encounter one of them!!
  • Fear of the popular ones: Some people has developed the fear of interacting with a popular person and so they lose their self esteem on interacting with a popular one
  • Fear of successful people: Again some people feel unworthy when interacting with a successful person

The endless list goes on but the one common thing between all the items in the list is that our self esteem changes according to the group of people we are interacting with.

Your paranoia is probably worse

Sounds like an odd title, right?

Actually this title is quoted from Linkin park’s song "Paper cut" which holds one of the secrets for increasing self esteem in its words!!

In the song the guy begins talking about his paranoia and how there is a voice inside his head that laughs at him when he falls or makes mistakes. At this point the guy becomes paranoid and obsessed around people but suddenly he realizes that other people have got flaws too and that they are not Gods !!

Once you start thinking of those flawless people as normal humans who have weak points, flaws and limitations you will find it much easier to feel confident around them.

In 2knowmyself's Solid Self confidence program i explained how one of the main reasons of lack of self confidence is thinking that others are flawless.

This beautiful, successful or popular person you are afraid of has got his own fears, worries, problems and flaws!! So after all he is not superior to you but the main reason you felt so is that you compared only one aspect of his personality to one aspect of your personality.

you may have compared yourself to him on the basis of popularity or beauty only but you never compared all other aspects!!

Whenever you want to increase yourself esteem around the people you fear just remember Linkin park’s song

You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin

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