How to change a commitment phoebe

By M.Farouk Radwan, MSc.

Inside the minds of Commitment phoebes

Commitment phoebes are the ones who usually runaway from relationships when they are about to get serious. It's not uncommon for a commitment phoebe to get engaged to someone then to leave right before the wedding as he realizes that things are getting really serious.

What confuses people the most about commitment phoebes is that they usually have genuine emotions. Just like anyone else commitment phoebes develop emotions, fall in love and wish to be in a relationship but there is some kind of force that pulls them away in the other direction especially when things are about to get really serious.

Commitment phoebes have an internal fight going on in their brains between two sides. The first side is the side of love that wants them to be in a relationship while the second side is the side of fear which wants them to stay safe by avoiding commitment and relationships.

So does this mean that Commitment phoebes will never get married?
While some of them remain single the good news is that you can still change those people by doing the right things. See also why some men remain single.

How to change a commitment phoebe

The formula for changing a commitment phoebe is very simple. You need to keep increasing the positive force for sometime until it exceeds the force of fear. In other words when the desire to get into a long term relationship becomes so intense that it overcomes the fears a commitment phoebe has then they might get over their commitment phobia.

Let's suppose that you got engaged to a commitment phoebe. In such a case pushing that person for marriage , without first raising your value properly, might let him back off when things are about to get serious.

In such a case you need to work on raising the attraction levels and increasing that person's attachment to you first before you move on to the next step. In my book How to make someone fall in love with you i described tens of techniques that can help you raise your total score and make yourself more appealing to that person.

Before pushing that person for marriage you need to make sure that your total score is high enough that this person is obsessed with you. If that happened then this person will find enough force to overcome his fears and continue his long term relationship with you.

Understand their fears

It might be impossible to keep a commitment phoebe comfortable around you if you don't know what triggers their fears. Just like you should be increasing the positive force you should also be helping the commitment phoebe experience less fear around you.

This can only happen when you first understand those fears. By learning more about that person's past, beliefs and bad experiences you will be able to reassure them that those problems ,that happened in their pasts, won't happen again. See How your relationship with your parents affects you.

If for example you realized that a woman was afraid to get committed because her father used to cheat on her mother then in such a case reassuring her , by actions and not words, that you can never be a cheater will ease her fears and help her feel more comfortable around you.

Whether you increased the positive force so that it bypassed the fears or whether you reduced the fears so that they became less than the positive force you will manage to help that commitment phoebe change.

To increase your chances work on both forces in the same time.

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