Why finding a life partner isn't that simple

By M.Farouk Radwan, MSc.

Why so many people fail to find love?

Why do so many people get into the wrong relationships?
Why do many people breakup?
Why do many people get divorced?

Most people take a simplistic approach when looking for a life partner. They keep meeting people until they come across someone who triggers their emotions then keep trying to attract them until they get into a relationship.

While that approach might seem ideal , especially to the fans of romantic movies, still in many cases it can lead to horrible outcomes.

In my previous article Does getting butterflies mean you're in love i explained how the feelings we get when we like someone aren't always an accurate representation of our long term needs. When a person picks a life partner based on those emotions a big room for mistakes is allowed and in many cases breakups happen.

Don't get me wrong, i am not trying to say that you should ignore your emotions but i am just saying that love itself might not be enough for the success of a relationship (see also why you always fall in love with the wrong people).

Why finding a life partner isn't that simple

In order for a relationship to work the personality traits of both relationship partners must fit together somehow. Each of the partners should also be willing to make some sacrifices in order to be able to communicate with a person who is different than him.

Meeting someone is something, dating someone is something but living with someone is a totally different thing. The infatuation people experience at the early stages of a relationship usually fades fast leaving just two people with different personalities to find a working strategy so that they can live together.

The other great problem that makes finding a life partner harder are the mistakes people make when making a choice. Love addicts for example go for the first available partner because they can't live alone. Others can make a hasty choice out of peer pressure or the fear of not finding a suitable person (See How the available options affect the relationship partner choice).

A third group of people might chose a person just because they are afraid they might not be able to do better. In other words the level of confidence a person has can affect the way he chooses a life partner.

In addition to that after a messed up relationship so many people go for the exact opposites even if they aren't really sure what's good for them.

So let me summarize what i am trying to say in here. There are so many conscious and unconscious factors that affect the choice of a relationship partner. One or more of those factors can result in a totally wrong choice.

The available options

The available options is another very complicated factor that influences the way people choose their mates. I am not talking here about the options the person believes he can get but am talking about the options available where he lives.

A person living in a small city will usually have less options than a person living in a big city. A popular person will have many more options than an ordinary person (See how physical proximity affects relationships).

Now the greatest problem about mate selection is that most people chose from the available options instead of actively seeking the right person even if they had to travel to a different place (See 10 signs you are marrying the wrong person).

When the love map goes wrong

In my book How to make someone fall in love with you i said that the love map , which is the list of items in your subconscious mind that determine who you will get attracted to, can actually go wrong.

A woman who was raised by a weak father might only get attracted to dominant and even aggressive men. In such a case this woman might chose someone who doesn't match her personality just because she unconsciously wants to compensate for a problem from her past (See How your attachment style affects your relationships and life).

The result of all this is a wrong choice

I could have talked about tens more of factors but i believe the concept is now clear. Those forces, and many of the other ones i didn't mention here, affect the way a person chooses his life partner and as a result so many people end up making the wrong choices.

This is exactly why choosing a life partner is hard.
So what's the soloution?
Educate yourself very well about the psychology of love and you will be able to avoid most of those pitfalls.

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