Why are some people needy

By M.Farouk Radwan, MSc.

Why are some people needy?

In a typical relationship you will usually finds the person who calls less often and the one who keeps calling all day.

Why would someone call the one he loves 20 times a day? Isn't one call enough?
Why do some people keep chasing others over and over?

Why are some people needy?

Before i can answer this question i have to fist tell you more about psychological needs. Starting from early childhood all kids try to find a way to satisfy their important needs.

The need to be loved, the need to be cared for, the need to be right and the need to feel important are all examples of psychological needs that most people try to meet.

Now what do you think will happen if a person failed to satisfy one of these very important needs? Or even worse what do you think will happen if a child was deprived of one of those needs?

As you might have already guessed this person will try to find other ways to satisfy this need and this is how a needy person is born.

Examples of needy people

  • I Need love: Since her childhood she never felt that her father was there for her. Each time she tried to approach him he responded in a cold way. She can't even remember one warm hug she got from him. She grew up feeling unloved and this unmet need made her very needy when it came to relationships. If the person she loves didn't call her for few hours she starts thinking that he doesn't love her. If he slept for few more hours she starts to think that he doesn't care about her. She was needy because she was trying to satisfy her unmet need through this relationship. (see also Wanting someone vs needing someone)
  • I need approval: Since his early years he felt that he was different. Children used to make fun of him all the time and he never managed to understand the reason. He grew up lacking self esteem and ,without realizing, one of his unconscious ultimate goals became approval seeking. He never said no to anyone even if he had to do it, criticism used to hurt him so much because it unconsciously reminded him of the old wound and he always tried to please everyone at the expense of his own happiness
  • I need to be popular: When he was young he was too shy to approach people in his class. Because of his shyness many of his classmates used to ignore him or to forget about his presence completely. When he grew up he managed to get over his shyness but for some reason that he didn't understand he wanted to become an actor. Because of his old would he developed the unmet need of becoming popular. During his journey to become popular he scarified his code of ethics, important values and moral code just to become a bit more popular.

What to do if you are a needy person

If you are a needy person then you need to realize that you are trying to complete your past unfinished business. Something wrong happened in your past that motivated you to become a needy person.

You won't be able to solve this neediness problem before you understand the exact reason behind it.
What are you seeking?
Are you trying to prove that you are worthy?
Are you trying to find love?
Do you want to feel approved?

Once you understand this basic need that made you who you are its time to find other ways to satisfy it. Lets suppose that you wanted to feel worthy, instead of calling people all day to make sure that they like your company you can work on achieving a big goal that brings you self satisfaction.

In other words, you can satisfy that same need in a completely different way without annoying the people you know.

Being needy is usually connected with low self esteem. If you managed to increase your self esteem then your needy behavior will disappear on its own.

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Want to know more?

The connection between motivation and needs

Why do some people need more attention than others

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